How Many Times Can One Start Over?

By 31, most people know a few things about themselves.  I have always struggled with my identity and who/what I am, but these are the things I am currently absolutely sure of:

  • I am obese.  At 5’5″ and 225 lbs, I am too short for my weight.
  • I am an addict.  I smoked from 13 to 22 and then quit cold turkey.  I have replaced the cigarettes with food and sweets because they make me happy and entertain me when I’m bored.
  • I have started over with weight loss more times than I can count.  Each time begins with great intentions, lots of knowledge and many schedules/lists, and seems to end with binge eating because I failed anyway and I might as well enjoy life.  (Dumb, I know…)
  • I can be lazy and/or procrastinate.  I enjoy reading and some TV shows.  At my weight I am tired often, so I make excuses for why I can’t be bothered to exercise in a day.  There’s always something else to get done that doesn’t involve gym clothes.
  • My self-loathing is at an all-time high.  My brain is torn between feeling like the weight/loathing cycle will never end, and knowing exactly what I need to do to end it.  It changes from hour to hour.

How many times can one keep starting over?  This quote comes to mind:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

To be fair, I have not been doing exactly the same thing over and over again.  Some processes worked better for me than others, and some got better results than others.  I did manage to lose 40 lbs. before my wedding, so I know it can be done.  I just need to keep myself on track and under control.  Funny how I can have the self-control to quit smoking cold turkey without looking back, and yet quitting sweets and high-volume food has eluded me for 20 years.

This is a no self-pity zone.  Just self-realization and progress, with a pinch of constant vigilance.

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2 Responses to How Many Times Can One Start Over?

  1. Oh, boy, can I relate to this post! It seems like I’m “starting over” every day now. Good luck on your journey.

  2. Katie says:

    A friend of mine lost 140 pounds in four years, pretty much by taking small steps in the right direction with food and exercise – and sticking with it. So it can definitely be done! Good luck! 🙂

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