By 31, most people know a few things about themselves. I have always struggled with my identity and who/what I am, but these are the things I am currently absolutely sure of:
- I am obese. At 5’5″ and 225 lbs, I am too short for my weight.
- I am an addict. I smoked from 13 to 22 and then quit cold turkey. I have replaced the cigarettes with food and sweets because they make me happy and entertain me when I’m bored.
- I have started over with weight loss more times than I can count. Each time begins with great intentions, lots of knowledge and many schedules/lists, and seems to end with binge eating because I failed anyway and I might as well enjoy life. (Dumb, I know…)
- I can be lazy and/or procrastinate. I enjoy reading and some TV shows. At my weight I am tired often, so I make excuses for why I can’t be bothered to exercise in a day. There’s always something else to get done that doesn’t involve gym clothes.
- My self-loathing is at an all-time high. My brain is torn between feeling like the weight/loathing cycle will never end, and knowing exactly what I need to do to end it. It changes from hour to hour.
How many times can one keep starting over? This quote comes to mind:
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
To be fair, I have not been doing exactly the same thing over and over again. Some processes worked better for me than others, and some got better results than others. I did manage to lose 40 lbs. before my wedding, so I know it can be done. I just need to keep myself on track and under control. Funny how I can have the self-control to quit smoking cold turkey without looking back, and yet quitting sweets and high-volume food has eluded me for 20 years.
This is a no self-pity zone. Just self-realization and progress, with a pinch of constant vigilance.